About Chewing Gum

There are things you really should know about chewing gum.

I have occasionally chewed gum. In fact, I went through a couple of serious gum-chewing phases in my youth. One, I refer to as the “chaw” phase; the other by a brand name, the “Hubba Bubba” phase.

The chaw phase began during my time as a T-Ball player, peaked with my glory years as a Peewee League pitcher, and ended with my baseball career at the age of thirteen. See, there was this big league pitcher at the time that had the very cool name Catfish Hunter, and he always had a pack of chaw in his cheek larger than the ball he was chucking over home plate. I didn’t get a chance to watch a lot of baseball back when I was young, but the Yankees (note to baseball aficionados: I know he was an Athletic before he was a Yankee, but I’m not that old!) were always covered, and not only did Catfish have a cool name, he had the best moustaches in the game this side of Rollie Fingers. (As a brief aside – as I was researching this post, I found out that Catfish died back in ’99, of a fall down some stairs likely brought on by the same disease that took Lou Gehrig’s life: ALS. I am saddened by this.) To be up on that mound, a huge mass of chaw in my left cheek (well, it was a brand of gum that came in a bag, all shredded and tobacco-like in its presentation, called Big League Chew – it’s still around, if you want to try it), the ball clutched in my sweaty right palm, the nervous batter waiting for the pitch, it was pre-teen bliss. I was Catfish, minus the moustache. And then I moved, joined a team whose coach had two sons on the roster, and my days of pitching, and thus requiring chaw, ended.

The second phase was much simpler. Hubba Bubba gum had a great ad campaign, and a pretty cool (to me at twelve) jingle, so I ended up chewing it regularly for a couple of years. Plus, it didn’t stick in my nascent Catfish Hunter wannabe moustache.

I grew out of my gum chewing as I got older, buying the occasional pack when I was smoking regularly in order to try to mask the odour (since quitting smoking, I’ve come to realize that, unless one covers their hair and clothing in gum, it doesn’t really do anything to mask the odour at all). Basically, I’m a casual chewer with no particular agenda one way or the other when it comes to gum; but I am rabidly opposed to gum being chewed in certain situations:

-          If a person is serving food, cooking food, or working at a restaurant in any capacity whatsoever, they should not be chewing gum. This applies even if your name is Flo and you’re working at a diner along some forgotten truck route in the Deep South. It isn’t simply “not cute,” it’s plain disgusting, and puts people off their meals. (Of course, Flo would just tell me to "Kiss her grits"...)

-          If you work in retail, and you expect me to buy something from you, the last thing I want to see is your jaw moving in a bovine fashion as you chew your cud. Save the gum for your breaks and days off.

-          If you’re working in any kind of capacity where you’re dealing with the public, don’t chew gum at work. Do you really want all of your customers to think you’re some kind of mouth breather? Besides, you’re supposed to be dealing with the public, not determinedly ignoring them while you concentrate on not drooling.

I’m betting some of you are saying, “But I want to make sure I have pleasant smelling breath when I’m dealing with people!” Simple. Use mints. You might drool a bit, but you won’t be constantly moving your jaw and masticating loudly.

A couple of other points of gum chewing etiquette:

-          If you’re going to chew gum, please close your mouth while doing so. This goes for eating as well, but we’re talking about gum here.

-          Don’t ever place your used gum on the underside of a table, a chair, or any other piece of furniture. It’s disgusting, unhygienic, and there is no excuse for it whatsoever.

-          Don’t spit your gum out on the street or sidewalk. Have you ever stepped on a piece of spent gum? On a hot summer’s day? That gunk is worse than Crazy Glue – it bonds to the sole of your shoe, and you can’t ever get it off. If you do this, you deserve to step on a particularly extra-sticky piece of discarded gum, trip as you try to pull your foot up from its enveloping confines, and fall, rolling into a previously unnoticed leash-free dog walk frequented by dog owners who are prone to the exact same kind of inconsiderate bastardy that you are. You will then physically be a literal representation of the kind of excremental nastiness you visit on the unwitting and innocent.

Simple solution: when you chew a piece of gum, keep the paper or package it came in – it then becomes a simple method for effectively disposing of the gum, even if there isn’t a garbage can handy.

Lastly, here are some things you really should know about chewing gum:

-          Chewing gum has a long history, but modern chewing gum wasn’t invented until 1848;

-          But it wasn’t really invented – it was simply a patent placed on an already popular practice, chewing Spruce sap. Interestingly,

-          Many gums today are still based on tree saps (check for gum Arabic on the label). Considering that aspirin comes from a tree, it isn’t terribly surprising that

-          Gum actually has some health benefits, especially for the health of your teeth and gums, and

-          According to the US military, gum chewing actually aids concentration – better get some gum for that next exam!

So I’m not saying don’t chew gum. I’m simply saying that there is a time and a place for it. The time is not at work, and the place is most definitely not under the table.

About Planets

There are some things you really should know about planets.

Actual conversation overheard while shopping at a local dollar store last Christmas season:

Young Woman 1: Who’s that for? (Pointing at a glossy sheet held by her companion, with several planets and moons on it)

Young Woman 2: Oh, Jeff. (I’m pretty sure that’s how she spelled it mentally – she didn’t seem capable of spelling it ‘Geoff’ – and this is not intended to disparage anyone whose parents chose to spell their name the former way; I’m sure they were perfectly capable of either spelling, and merely chose “Jeff” to show their affinity for Standard American English, so that you wouldn’t feel out of place should you one day have a high-paying job on Wall Street)

Young Woman 1: What is it? (She was pointing at a large glossy print of Earth as she asked this)

Young Woman 2: Oh, I think it’s the six planets or something. Jeff’ll love it. He loves planets. (This, in reference to a sheet that held no fewer than twelve objects, all of which were pretty straightforward – objects such as our moon, which is visible on many nights from right here on Earth, should one care to look up)

Young Woman 1: I thought there were seven? (I could only see the back of her head, but she tilted it at an awkward angle indicating, I think, confusion. This confusion was not, however, endearing in the way that a small dog cocking its head to one side can be endearing)

Young Woman 2: Well, there’s Mars and Jupiter and Saturn... (She paused here, apparently running out of easy-to-name planets)

Young Woman 1: Venus? (Her head continued at its awkward angle)

Young Woman 2: Yeah.

At this point, I was thankfully distracted from their conversation, but it got me thinking – how much do people really know about their own local cosmic neighbourhood? I mean, isn’t this something pretty damn basic? Something you really should know?

A few quick facts:

- Our solar system has eight planets. If you think it is or should be nine, it’s likely because you are thinking about:

- Pluto, which is no longer considered a planet. It’s technical designation is a dwarf planet, and interestingly,

- It isn’t even the largest one – that would be Eris.

- Astronomers now believe there may be hundreds, or even thousands, of similar Kuiper Belt objects (such as Sedna, Haumea, and others being discovered all the time)

- Pluto is still special – it is also a Trans-Neptunian Body (which means it crosses Neptune’s orbit), and it may be the first of a new designation – binary dwarf planet – due to its relatively large moon, Charon

- A NASA probe has just entered into orbit around an asteroid named Vesta, and next year will enter orbit around Ceres, the nearest dwarf planet to Earth (it's located between Mars and Jupiter)

In English, the planets are named after Roman gods – except for Earth. It’s named after dirt. Really. And did you know that astronomers have discovered over 500 exo-planets since 1995? These are planets orbiting around other stars, and the ones they’re finding keep getting smaller as their instruments keep getting more sensitive. They’ve already announced one Earth-like planet (similar mass to Earth, possibility of liquid water based on its orbit) found this year, and we should be hearing about plenty more soon. Exciting times, and this is something people really should know about.

Of course, it brings to mind one of Jay Leno’s “Man on the street” interviews I saw a few years back. He asked a young woman how many planets there were. She answered, “Seven? Maybe eight?” He smiled, corrected her (Pluto was still considered a planet then, so the answer was nine), and asked her what she did for a living: she was an assistant manager at a Planetarium. Maybe I’m asking for too much?

About F150s

There are some things you really should know about Ford F150s.

Did you know that the Ford F150 has been the best-selling truck in the US for thirty-four years? The best-selling truck for twenty-four? That’s a lot of vehicles on the road, so maybe my perceptions are skewed by the sheer numbers, but – is it just me, or are F150 drivers amongst the most obnoxious, ill-mannered, idiotic drivers on the road?

Let’s take a little quiz. We’ll call this “Quiz A”:

- Does your job require the use of a pickup truck (such as agriculture, contracting, construction, landscaping, and the like)?

- Do you often need to transport large and/or messy items to and from various locations (not including muddy children – I’ll write about SUVs another day)?

- Do you have a hobby that requires transporting equipment too large for most hatchbacks (such as motorbikes, Sea-doos, or towed boats)?

- Do you go camping, and thus need to be able to tow trailers and carry gear?

Okay, great – keep track of how many times you answered “yes” above. Now, “Quiz B.” Again, count how many times you say yes:

- Are you between the ages of 16-25?

- Do you have a strong urge to raise the suspension on any vehicle you drive?

- If you see a muddy puddle, do you want to drive through it, even if you don’t know how deep it is?

- Have you ever broken the axle on a vehicle?

- You consider Coy and Vance to be the superior Duke boys.

- “Yee” and “Haw” are two of your favourite words, even though you’ve never ridden a horse or driven a coach.

- You get annoyed by all of those slow drivers on the road – you know, the ones that stop at red lights and things like that.

Now compare the number of times you said yes in each quiz. Take the number of times you said “yes” in A, subtract the number of times you said “yes” in B, and write down the result. Here’s what those numbers mean:

4 – You not only should own a pick-up, you probably have skipped right past the F150 and drive a 250 or even a 350

1-3 – You need a pick-up, and you likely own an F150 already

0 – You may have an F150, but probably shouldn’t

-1 or lower – There’s no way you should be driving an F150, and if you are, you’re probably causing two or three accidents a week as people adjust to your driving

As most people aren’t in construction or towing trailers around, I’m going to assume that most people driving F150s probably don’t need to be.

Here’s a few tips for those that are overreaching and driving a vehicle they’re not truly prepared for or qualified to be driving: those lines you see on the road aren’t guidelines – they’re lanes, and you should get back into yours; if you’re making a turn, you don’t need one and a half lanes to do it; that stick on the side of your steering column? It’s a turn signal – use it; no matter how small you think your truck is, it doesn’t fit into a “Small Car” space at the local Walmart – it’s a truck; cars are physically lower than you on the road – their drivers are not. Treat them with respect; if you’ve raised the suspension on your truck, added halogen fog lights at the eye-level of most other drivers, and installed tires taller than a Smart Car, let me save you more money – go see a therapist – she’ll deal with the issues that you’re really suffering from, and cost way less than you’ve already put into your truck.

Think about these guidelines when considering upgrading your vehicle. Do you really need a pick-up truck? An F150? If, after taking my handy quiz, your score is in the positive, you might want to get a truck. If not, your reasons for buying a truck are not valid. A truck will not make you more manly/womanly. A truck will not give you a fifty inch chest. And a truck, no matter how trendy your shades, or loud your Bose stereo, will not make you cool. It’ll probably just make all of the other drivers on the road resent you – with good reason.

About This Blog

There are some things you really should know about this blog.

Although my first post was about the Vancouver Hockey Riots, 2011 Edition, I do not intend this blog to be primarily a rant site. There will, by all means, be the occasional rant when situations irk me enough to deserve comment – the riots are a prime example of this kind of event. Rather, I intend this site to be a place wherein I can vent my spleen against some of life’s more frustrating idiocies.

Things like: people not paying attention to stop signs; people not knowing that Earth is the third (from the sun) of eight (yes, eight) planets in our solar system; people not knowing that Japan is, in fact, a country, and not a city in China (seriously, someone once said this to me – she was married to a pretty tough biker guy, high up in an “organization,” so I failed to correct her at the time out of a sense of self-preservation); people not knowing that you should wait for others to leave an elevator before crowding your way on; and so on.

In short, I intend this to be a site where I can comment on some of society’s minor ills, small disgraces, and occasional disregard for proprieties. A site where I can extol the virtues of a basic education, and for the things a person can learn if they keep their ears open and their mouths shut, virtues that are sorely lacking today. A place where I can virtually slap people and say, “What are you? Some kind of idiot?” Most of us are, from time to time.

I hope this will be a place you can have a little laugh, and maybe vent a little yourself in the comments when you see a topic that irks you as well (or when you disagree with me). Maybe you’ll see yourself a little, or you’ll see someone you know – you can always point them here if you’re too embarrassed to tell them that chewing gum while serving food is just plain disgusting.

About Riots

There are things you really should know about riots.

To be perhaps a little over-simplistic, there are two kinds of riot: those that enable the disenfranchised to express themselves and gain a political voice where one might otherwise be impossible to find; and everything else. To find examples of the former, you need look no further than the Arab Spring which has been rocking the Middle East and North Africa for the past several months.

But more relevant to my point here, there are some things you really should know about that "everything else" category. Let's take as an example the riots that occurred in Vancouver BC after Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final on June 15, 2011.

First, to be absolutely clear: I am completely pissed off and embarrassed about the whole situation. It is in no way whatsoever cool that a couple of hundred (thousand? we'll break down numbers below) jackasses have gone and given an otherwise beautiful, world-class city a black eye, and on top of that, associated the violence directly with a sports franchise that would love nothing more than to distance themselves from such rabid hooliganism. A good friend of mine said to me this morning, "This is why I can't be a Canucks fan." Of course, he's a Habs fan, so that's a completely different kettle of fish - but the fact remains that his statement is indicative of an even greater problem - another friend of mine said he'd rather not raise his daughter in a city like Vancouver, if this is what Vancouver is like, and he's a life-long Vancouverite. So...I'm going to go over some things you really should know.

Things You Really Should Know:

- posting status updates on Facebook or Twitter about how the riots are cool is NOT COOL

- posing for pictures in front of a burning car is NOT COOL, even if you make devil horns

- posting about punching some "pigs" in the head is NOT COOL

- lighting fire to a car, police or otherwise, and then mugging for the myriad cameras around you, is not only NOT COOL, but it is also extremely stupid. Extremely.

- attempting to achieve cool status by posting things you haven't even done, is not only NOT COOL, but it might cost you your job

- jumping on a burning car is actually kind of cool, but might get you in the ICU, thus NOT COOL

- flashing is almost always cool, unless you're a FUWM

- beating up people that actually have pride in their city and are trying to protect random panes of glass that are still, remarkably, intact, is not only NOT COOL, it also labels you as a complete jackass that should be in prison for a very, very long time

On further thing - if you want to riot, take off that Canucks jersey - you aren't a fan, you're a stupid POS.

To get briefly into numbers. A good friend of mine was downtown at The Railway Club, and from his first-hand experience, he felt that the entire riot was fomented by a few dozen or at most two-hundred individuals who appeared ready to riot, re: bring ski masks, batons, lighter fluid, and the like. And the ballsy simplification being provided by the VPD is an obvious attempt to politicize the riots (it wasn't just a bunch of anarchists and drunken youths, it was a few people wanting a riot, and a bunch of drunk idiots who thought that a bit of social reconstruction and violence would be cool - this thing would never have got out of hand if several thousand idiots hadn't insisted in staying downtown to "experience" the whole thing).

So, some things you really should know: if your riot is for anything other than a sense of disenfranchisement and a need for a political voice to be heard, it comes under the category of "everything else" - it is, basically, a piece of absolute shite, and should be abandoned at the absolute earliest possible moment lest you be labeled as completely idiotic and NOT COOL.