About Chewing Gum

There are things you really should know about chewing gum.

I have occasionally chewed gum. In fact, I went through a couple of serious gum-chewing phases in my youth. One, I refer to as the “chaw” phase; the other by a brand name, the “Hubba Bubba” phase.

The chaw phase began during my time as a T-Ball player, peaked with my glory years as a Peewee League pitcher, and ended with my baseball career at the age of thirteen. See, there was this big league pitcher at the time that had the very cool name Catfish Hunter, and he always had a pack of chaw in his cheek larger than the ball he was chucking over home plate. I didn’t get a chance to watch a lot of baseball back when I was young, but the Yankees (note to baseball aficionados: I know he was an Athletic before he was a Yankee, but I’m not that old!) were always covered, and not only did Catfish have a cool name, he had the best moustaches in the game this side of Rollie Fingers. (As a brief aside – as I was researching this post, I found out that Catfish died back in ’99, of a fall down some stairs likely brought on by the same disease that took Lou Gehrig’s life: ALS. I am saddened by this.) To be up on that mound, a huge mass of chaw in my left cheek (well, it was a brand of gum that came in a bag, all shredded and tobacco-like in its presentation, called Big League Chew – it’s still around, if you want to try it), the ball clutched in my sweaty right palm, the nervous batter waiting for the pitch, it was pre-teen bliss. I was Catfish, minus the moustache. And then I moved, joined a team whose coach had two sons on the roster, and my days of pitching, and thus requiring chaw, ended.

The second phase was much simpler. Hubba Bubba gum had a great ad campaign, and a pretty cool (to me at twelve) jingle, so I ended up chewing it regularly for a couple of years. Plus, it didn’t stick in my nascent Catfish Hunter wannabe moustache.

I grew out of my gum chewing as I got older, buying the occasional pack when I was smoking regularly in order to try to mask the odour (since quitting smoking, I’ve come to realize that, unless one covers their hair and clothing in gum, it doesn’t really do anything to mask the odour at all). Basically, I’m a casual chewer with no particular agenda one way or the other when it comes to gum; but I am rabidly opposed to gum being chewed in certain situations:

-          If a person is serving food, cooking food, or working at a restaurant in any capacity whatsoever, they should not be chewing gum. This applies even if your name is Flo and you’re working at a diner along some forgotten truck route in the Deep South. It isn’t simply “not cute,” it’s plain disgusting, and puts people off their meals. (Of course, Flo would just tell me to "Kiss her grits"...)

-          If you work in retail, and you expect me to buy something from you, the last thing I want to see is your jaw moving in a bovine fashion as you chew your cud. Save the gum for your breaks and days off.

-          If you’re working in any kind of capacity where you’re dealing with the public, don’t chew gum at work. Do you really want all of your customers to think you’re some kind of mouth breather? Besides, you’re supposed to be dealing with the public, not determinedly ignoring them while you concentrate on not drooling.

I’m betting some of you are saying, “But I want to make sure I have pleasant smelling breath when I’m dealing with people!” Simple. Use mints. You might drool a bit, but you won’t be constantly moving your jaw and masticating loudly.

A couple of other points of gum chewing etiquette:

-          If you’re going to chew gum, please close your mouth while doing so. This goes for eating as well, but we’re talking about gum here.

-          Don’t ever place your used gum on the underside of a table, a chair, or any other piece of furniture. It’s disgusting, unhygienic, and there is no excuse for it whatsoever.

-          Don’t spit your gum out on the street or sidewalk. Have you ever stepped on a piece of spent gum? On a hot summer’s day? That gunk is worse than Crazy Glue – it bonds to the sole of your shoe, and you can’t ever get it off. If you do this, you deserve to step on a particularly extra-sticky piece of discarded gum, trip as you try to pull your foot up from its enveloping confines, and fall, rolling into a previously unnoticed leash-free dog walk frequented by dog owners who are prone to the exact same kind of inconsiderate bastardy that you are. You will then physically be a literal representation of the kind of excremental nastiness you visit on the unwitting and innocent.

Simple solution: when you chew a piece of gum, keep the paper or package it came in – it then becomes a simple method for effectively disposing of the gum, even if there isn’t a garbage can handy.

Lastly, here are some things you really should know about chewing gum:

-          Chewing gum has a long history, but modern chewing gum wasn’t invented until 1848;

-          But it wasn’t really invented – it was simply a patent placed on an already popular practice, chewing Spruce sap. Interestingly,

-          Many gums today are still based on tree saps (check for gum Arabic on the label). Considering that aspirin comes from a tree, it isn’t terribly surprising that

-          Gum actually has some health benefits, especially for the health of your teeth and gums, and

-          According to the US military, gum chewing actually aids concentration – better get some gum for that next exam!

So I’m not saying don’t chew gum. I’m simply saying that there is a time and a place for it. The time is not at work, and the place is most definitely not under the table.